Moe's Adventures

Random Thoughts…

thinktwicepeople — Sun, 26 Jun 2011 18:44:49 +0000

I have done so many things in the past that I would never allow myself to do today. I can’t truly say that I regret it too much. It was what I felt was best for me when I was engaged in the dishonest acts. Now that I have grown I do wish that I had the same mindset then that I have now.

5 years wasted out of my life riding the bench for someone else’s man. Yeah, sure it wasn’t all I was doing. I had a life and boyfriends of my own but it was still wrong. I have built up so many issues centered around distrust and worry because of a situation that never truly benefitted me…not for longer than a few hours out of the month at least. Temporary pleasures are never worth the sacrifices. I am so glad that headed into 25 that I can see that now.

I have to force myself to care sometimes. Sometimes I have to talk myself down off the ledge because I care too much. There is never any in-between emotion with me. Either I Ben Stein shit or am ready to jump out of the Lorena Bobbit box. Well…I would never cut a penis off because they are beautiful things that must remain forever attached to good hip action…but y’all understand…whatever tho. Back to the matter at hand…Constantly living at opposite ends of the spectrum really seems unhealthy to me. No amount of counseling has ever gotten me past these issues. I am still Ben Stein 99.9% of the time. I prefer it this way because shit stays safe for everyone but I get torn apart inside. I want to scream, kick, fight, yell, punch and completely destroy but I can’t. Going to jail is very scary. I am way too pretty for a bitch named Diabla.

I feel grateful for all the people who have passed in out of my life because I learned so much about humans. I am not grateful that these people have taught me to spot the worst in others before I get to appreciate the good in humanity. I am just so stuck in my little box. I need to work on breaking free.

I have not given my friends as much time as I used to because I am trying to build a relationship. Something that has the potential for greatness. I am not perfect. I am crazy as fuck. I need someone who understands all that. I need someone who will hold my hand when I am feeling all alone in this world. Someone to wipe my tears away when I feel that the world is crumbling all around me. Someone who believes in sacrifice because I know I am worth it. Someone who can throw laughter in when misery is taking over me. I think he can give me all of that and so I act accordingly because at the end of the day I want to dedicate my time with someone who thinks they could spend their life with me. That is the type of shit that truly matters in my life. Nothing else compares…

Sex is amazing. I fucking miss it. Air is great, water revitalizes and that’s cool and all but sex is definitely better.

Last but certainly not least…I really need people to stop thinking that Nas is a good artist. Like for real. Ugh. I also need those who think Nas is good but stay bashing Tupac to just die. This shit has really been bugging me lately. Folks are irrational as hell. If you in any way think Nas is a great artist you will NEVER be shit in life because you worship mediocrity in its clearest form.

Men…

thinktwicepeople — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 07:28:50 +0000

It is 1 am. I am alone. But that is nothing new.

They come in my life. I invite them into my life. I can barely find the words to say.

(Badly attempted ) Phone sex…late night mistakes.

2 years of the closest I will ever come to a fairy tale romance. Phone and Skype breakups followed by a painful torturous friendship that only proved to be confusing.

Domestic violence because the love was too strong for us to let go.. A crazy type of love. The type of love that isn’t really love at all. More like an obsession. An obsession that will linger on forever…

A 9 year relationship. 2 breakups by 17. An affair with his worst enemy. 2 outside relationships for me. 1 serious relationship for him. The tattoo. 2 kids by 2 different women. Hate. Neglect. Pain. Tears. Too many times I tried to express my fears. I never got the chance.

Hotel invite from a friend. To hang with friends. rape. Shame. Pain. I can’t bring myself to express the conflicts I have with this. I can only make pathetic jokes about it to mask the anguish I really feel. The males everyone else happy. It makes me miserable.

15 and falling in love for the first time. Loss of innocence. False accusations. Irrational and rash decisions.

My father. Too judgmental. Never satisfied. A dream killer. Physical abuse. Lying on the ground watching him drive away from my body. The image will haunt me forever. Verbal abuse. A lack of respect for women in general outside of his mother. WHY?…

… I fear for my sister. I want her to have a life that is full of happiness and joy. Everything that I didn’t have.

And the tears keep rolling down my face…

That is life isn’t it? Wanting everything for your child that you couldn’t have for yourself. Well I have everything going for myself that I am in control of. I have accomplished everything I wanted to for myself at 24. She is everything. She is a small version of me. She is a product of the same man who produced me. Well she isn’t my child but she is the closest thing I think I will ever have to it because of my issues with men…

…They keep rolling, rolling, rolling…

It is 2:30. I am still alone. I am still confused. I don’t know how much longer I can go on living, thinking and feeling this way.

What Else Can I Say…

thinktwicepeople — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 00:20:23 +0000

I am simply unhappy. There is nothing you can do about that…unless you own your own business and can give me a job that pays well enough for me to rent a decent apartment by January 1, 2011. I HATE that so many people fed me that stank ass lie that if I went to college I would have a decent life. It has been 8 months since my graduation and I call BULLSHIT! They should have kept it 100…IF I WENT TO HARVARD OR GEORGETOWN then I would have a decent life.

The killer is I am not unhappy all the time. 75% of the time I just breathe with a passive sense of contentment. That works for me because it is the best I can do under the circumstances. But because I am not jumping for joy at the shittyness I am told to cheer up. FUCK THAT ADVICE! The fact that people won’t just accept that I am unhappy because I have nothing going for myself pisses me off. Why can’t they just give me a hug, tell me to pour my heart out and then wipe my tears away instead of brushing off how I feel? That is what I need. To not always have to cry when no one is around for fear of making their semi-perfect ass lives uncomfortable.

2010 has been the worst year of my life. I lost the love of my life. I got kicked out 3 times by three different people who have all looked me in the face at some point and proclaimed they love me. I have been 30 seconds from suicide numerous times. I lost vision in my left eye. I spent a week in the hospital in which I had 30+ needles stuck in my back with no hand to hold. I may never have my vision go back to normal which limits me for life. Oh and ummm… i was raped. no one I told acknowledges it which makes me feel like I have to fake being Strong Black Woman. Being so strong about that has consumed all of the strength I had left. I have none left to cope with the lack of a job and apartment.

All I want to do is get all of these loser, inconsiderate, selfish ass motherfuckers out of my life forever. I can’t wait for my sister to get old enough so I can stop being bothered with my worthless sperm donor/ex-child support payment giver (to my mother, not me) father. He is the worst person I have ever known and truthfully I hate him. HATE! He has NEVER done anything nice for me that mattered to me. My mother is ready for me to be out of her hair and I can’t blame her. I WISH, HOPE AND PRAY EVERYDAY THAT I COULD FIND A JOB OR DIE. Either one would cause her to celebrate in the streets…I am sure of this. With the parents I have, the relatives I have no choice but to accept and the so-called friends I have HOW THE FUCK CAN I BE HAPPY? If you have the answer do tell. I regret every nice thing I have ever done for anyone because no one has done SHIT for me. Shit! Shit! SHIT! If I had been the bitch that everyone is to me I may be where they are and they may be where I am.

If you don’t like me pouring out my thoughts and feelings please feel free to go play in traffic during the height of rush hour. Make no mistake, I don’t REALLY give a shit about anyone except Maya Johnson and Nicholas McDaniel. I will cope however the fuck I want to instead of being mean to people like they are mean to me simply because I am not that type of person. I can’t help but keep folks around even though they could give two shits about me. That is my burden to carry. Make no mistake, I wish I could hate them without worry. But like I have been told so many times by them all about my impending good fortune…THAT DAY WILL SOON COME! When the shit hits the fan there will be a shit free for all party courtesy of Moe. #ThatMakeSenseToMe Keep an eye out for your invitation in the mail. CTFU because sometimes I have to add a little corny humor to keep from crying over this inconsiderate foolishness.

P.S. I feel better again…no thanks to anyone except my fucking self. Thus proving you can’t depend on others to do shit. I will start telling people to shut the fuck up when they say shit I don’t like because if they think they can make me feel bad then I have to make things fair.

Moment of Clarity

thinktwicepeople — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 05:55:49 +0000

I am no angel. I am not even close. I never claimed to be. I never will be. I am Moe. That is all I will ever be. I apologize to all the people I hurt. Some people because I didn’t mean to hurt them. Some people because I know deep down inside that hurting people is wrong. If it helps at all you should know I am crying many, many uncontrollable tears sitting in a kitchen on a Saturday night. There is nothing like karmic payback. I will get what I deserve for all that I have done. I do have somethings I would like to get off my chest…

I am a lot to deal with. I have always said that it takes a strong person to handle me enough to be what I consider a real friend. I have had only a few of them in life. For good reason…I am an asshole…the biggest asshole you may have ever met. I own that. I love myself and I love the life I have had no matter how shitty I feel it has been. A life without pain is not really a life at all. That pain helps me grow. Growth is the best thing that can ever happen to a person. I want to say thank you to anyone reading this who has been a real friend to me. You are appreciated more than you will ever know. One day I will find the strength to show you all how sticking by me was greatly appreciated.

With that said here comes the honesty…My life has not been easy. I didn’t harbor all the bullshit inside and turn it into hate and bitterness…well at least not completely. I am not bitter. However my tolerance for people is real low. For some reason fate has decided to stick some of the most vile, disrespectful and inconsiderate people into my life or I just have a fucked up radar for the people who I choose to allow into my life. Either way they have come and gone and come again and gone again. Shamefully I have allowed for all of it to happen. That is the part I really wish I could take back. The effects of it lives within me. I really have no way of knowing how to reverse the damage. I have learned to live with it…the best way I know how.

I am not arrogant as I have been called many times before. I just have a level of trust for people that is so low it really causes me to lock them out completely or keep my distance until I feel they can be trusted somewhat. I never really give everything to anyone. I don’t tell people my real secrets. I did once and it was thrown in my face and it will never happen again. Mini-PSA: Please do not waste your time trying to tell me to let that go because it will never happen. This means that no one will ever be able to hurt me by using things against me and I like things that way. It makes a life that is already hard enough a lot easier. I need easy…just like I need water and air.

I have a particular disdain and love for the male species. Most of my problems comes in the way I interact and treat them. They have never really done much for me but give me grief of epic proportions. I will never do much for them because of that. If I ever meet a man who proves me wrong then I will change. There should never be any need to bring that up again. I think that is the clearest way I can put that.

As long as you are nice to me then I am nice to you. If you have never done anything to harm me physically, emotionally or mentally then I do believe I have always treated with you the utmost respect. Can’t think of a single incidence where someone was really nice to me and I shitted on them like a dog. However, I recall many a person doing that to me. I am not a forgiving person. I just let shit go. That is clearly not very healthy but that is how I roll. Take it OR leave me alone…forever.

I am one of the nicest people you could ever meet*…as long as you never hurt me. Hurt is something my tolerance went away for a long time ago. I make no apologies for this. I never will. I simply am who I am. I promise the journey is totally worth it.

When I first meet someone I don’t say much. I sit back in silence and observe the situation and the person. I assess them to decide if it is worth it for me to speak to them at all. That is not to be confused with arrogance. I am an observant person by nature and I am very suspicious about people. So many people have let me down. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Although it has not worked very well for me in the past I will stop this because deep down inside I feel things could have been worse but they weren’t. I am alive despite the many attempts people have made to make sure the exact opposite was true.

I absolutely despise someone trying to invalidate my life, my experiences, my thoughts, my opinion or anything else imaginable about me. I only have one mission in life and that is to survive at any cost. I don’t give a damn about anyone else feelings if mine are not right. I may not agree with what you consider small, irrelevant or minute. The same is true the other way around. I don’t shut down other people’s concerns and issues so I never understand why it is done to me. In short that is what has led me here today. Someone decided to call me arrogant and insult everything about me (my looks, the fact that I graduated a month ago and don’t have a job, the fact that I don’t have a car, and much more) for their own shits and giggles** and they seemed to have no clear understanding of why in the FUCK I hate people so much.

My attacks on others is not a result of arrogance it is because people are full of shit. Yeah, I look down on that shit because I am not like that. I try not to keep people around who think it is okay to treat people however the fuck they want to because it is convenient for them and them only. But once you cross me I will cross you. And because it is was them who opened the damn floodgates I feel it is only right that everything gets to roll out into the open. If you insult me I will hurt you in the most terrible way imaginable. I am just creative and vindictive that way…hence me being an asshole. The easiest way to avoid being my next ‘victim’ is to treat people exactly how you want to be treated. Isn’t that the first major lesson we all learned in life? Is it not the most basic principle a person can have??? *** Treat others the way you want to be treated. Not treat people like shit and kick your feet up and watch as they continue to act as if you never did anything wrong. If you treat someone wrong it will come back to you. I believe the law is it will come back to you threefold. There you have it. Expect for the shit you put out to hit you back three times as hard.**** I rest my case.

I think I have covered all the basis. If not, there is always tomorrow.

*I know this totally contradicts me saying I was the biggest asshole ever. They are both equally true depending on how you play your cards.

**Don’t take it personal. I am just telling the truth. Friend.

***I would really like answers to this two questions. Oblige me please? Thanks in advance.

****I am no fool. I know that I am not exempt from this rule.

Late Night Thoughts…

thinktwicepeople — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 08:35:37 +0000

I am crying in silence. I have no one here to catch the tears as the fall. No one to hold me. No one to console me. It makes me feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Because I speak my mind and don’t hold back I am forced to bare it all alone. What happened to the love that was there just 2 weeks ago??? What happened to all the effort, time and emotion that I put into what we had. Why was I abandoned? Why is it okay in this society to do something like this to another human being? If I retaliated to make myself feel better then I would be in the wrong. How is this fair? Why did I play myself and keep going back? Why did I ever drop my guard for you? He clearly was not deserving of it. He abused everything I handed over to him. Everything. I have never been filled with so much silent fury…I swear I think I have written all of these things before. I gave everything and now I have nothing left. The sad thing is he won’t even give it back to me. He won’t give me my heart back. He won’t give it back. There is only so much I can reclaim on my own. He won’t give it back to me. There is nothing worse then a bitch who won’t face you like the man his testicles would lead unsuspecting people to believe he is. There are so many things I want to do or say that I can’t do or say because I am an adult and I am working on my growth more and more each day. I shouldn’t regress into childish behavior.

I AM SO MAD. I hate you. Your mother is a special kinda FAILURE for raising such a shitty piece of nothing like you. Your grandmother is a bitch who got exactly what she deserved. Your dad is the only one with any balls in your family and you hate him for it. Shame on you. Grow a pair. That felt good to say. I know you are reading this. Now that you know my true feelings please drop dead for me. That is the only thing that would bring me joy. Try doing something to make me happy for once. It would be so greatly appreciated.

Black Men…

thinktwicepeople — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:12:31 +0000

As long as I have been alive I have never met a black man who did not disappoint me in the worst way(s) possible. I have tried as hard as I can to love them in spite of the ways they hurt me and yet they do it again and again. I am starting to believe that I am the problem because 1) I invite these losers into my life. 2) There is something in my ways/actions/beliefs/whatever that is allowing these losers to feel like I am the perfect person to work their issues out on so they can go be great for the next chick. Whatever it is I really do not care because I am fed the hell up. I am at the point were after I come off my vacation to America’s Black Mecca (Atlanta) I think I will be very limited in my dealings with Black men. I need to start working on being the most awesome version of me that I can be. Black males stay holding me back. For the time being I have to leave them alone. Physical abuse, Rape, Lies, restricting my access to the only person I sincerely love, Skype breakups, phone breakups, sexist language, assuming I want to be groped, assuming I want to be hollered at, and all types of other injustices have been results of the dealings I have had with these clowns.

Please do not assume I am some bitter Black woman. I am far from that. I never (okay, rarely) let anything bad that happened to me keep me from treating people fairly. I am also not a fool. It is the wise young woman in me that realizes that maybe it is the ones I choose to deal with. However, that doesn’t excuse my father who has been the one to do the most wrongs but I let him in time and time again. That is my nature…always forgiving but lacking in love. That is the new reality for me…I do not think I have the ability to love again. Knowing that makes my head hurt…I used to be in love with love and then he broke up with me on Skype and played me to the left like I was the most worthless human being in all of existence. Nevermind all of that…

Okay I just thought of two Black men who have never disappointed me…well they kinda have but it doesn’t matter much compared to the others transgressions. My big bro D and my grandfather. They deserve the credit. They have done so much good in my mind that it cancels out the one trivial thing that stands out in my mind.

One day I hope I meet a few Black men who raise above the madness I am used to dealing with that comes from that. I hope that day comes before 2010 passes. Once this ‘decade’ officially ends and none of them get it together I will be leaving them behind for good. All except the two who did right that I mentioned. I will be moving out to Italy and I will be starting a new life there. It will be glorious and this I know for sure…

Two Sides of a Coin…

thinktwicepeople — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 21:25:29 +0000

I am a young woman living in the greatest city in the world so naturally I have had an awesome and wildly varied lifestyle. I have enjoyed being single. I have enjoyed being in a committed relationship. I have enjoyed being the other woman. The real question at hand is which one do I enjoy more than the others. Allow me to explain…

I recently got out of a relationship that I delved back into stupidly because it ran its course well over a year ago. When I first got into that situation it was very fun. We clicked in every way that mattered to me when I decided to be with him. We shared an extremely dark sense of humor, it was easy to be around him and we never got tired of each other. I was so comfortable because he was the fire to my flame and my equal when we were together at first. The problem here is I gave him all I had. I wanted to grow with him. Her wanted to be alone. I was crushed for months. I never want to feel that kind of pain again. It was after he was gone that I discovered I had not even once thought about being with another man. This was very surprising to me because…

When I was with Theo cheating was all I ever did. I was cheating on Theo since the day after our first date. I never gave him the monogamy that he desired so greatly. Every cute guy that passed me by I would do a double take. I was not ashamed at all. I would wink and flirt at guys I was interested in all the time. Problem was I spent all my time with Theo so he bared witness to all of this. He was never pleased. He would always cause a scene in public because of my antics. I used to think he was crazy as hell for this but after I got balls and ditched him I discovered he was justified. He would physically attack me in private because of the way I treated him. I used to make excuses for him because I thought he was justified in choking me out but no I see that he was just an asshole. I was not doing anything to him. All I was doing were things that made me feel good that didn’t put him at risk for anything. He was an insecure boy who couldn’t handle the fact that he wasn’t the only one who could make me happy. Awww growth…

Being single has definitely had its perks. I don’t have to worry about anyone but me. The problem here is that I am human and I am at my sexual peak and I crave sex virtually all the time. I am not promiscuous so I won’t go fuck a virtual stranger. I really have no one to call on to satisfy me and it sucks balls. Moving along…

I have been the other woman. I was the other woman for 4 years on and off with an ex-boyfriend. He had moved on and had a girlfriend whom he was starting a family with. I started messing around with him while she was pregnant. This is clearly not he highlight of my life but…it felt right to me at the time. I was 19 and dumb as fuck. For the first 3 and a half years we kept things fairly innocent. It never delved further than kissing and a little touchy feely. I never felt comfortable letting him in completely because I knew his situation and I knew what we were doing was dead wrong. Then one day it all spun out of control…Sex came into play and it changed the dynamic more than I wanted it to be changed. We decided to take space but that was in vain. When he called I allowed him into my personal space. I was partially bored and partially in awe of the way he made my body feel. He all put a feeling in me that other men never offered. Sad but true…

In all honesty I would have to say that the best experience was being the other woman. With me it did not present the risk of me ending up with my feelings crushed. I knew the situation and I accepted it. When I wanted to be alone I had that option. When I wanted for someone to be in my space once a month I knew he would come right on time. It was a hell of a learning experience. However, I have grown up and my conscience will never allow for me to play that role again. The worst experience was devoting all my time, energy and love into one man only to have him reject me for his own selfish reasons. My common sense will never allow me to be so hopelessly devoted to a man like that again. That kind of pain only needs to be felt once to be understood and disliked thoroughly…

I have learned to enjoy being single and all the opportunities it presents. I get to develop closer bonds with my friends. I am discovering who really cares about me and who doesn’t give a flying fuck. It is an adventure everyday and I could never ask for a bigger blessing at this point in my life. I am no longer bitter because of all the men who have used me during my lifetime. I am no longer mad at them. To be quite truthful I pity them because I am an awesome ass chick. Their lives will not be as good as they could have been with me in it. And I am not tooting my horn…I am only being honest. No one can complain about how I treated them badly. They can only point out my human flaws that don’t relate to them at all. I was a damn good daughter, girlfriend, side chick and friend to them. I always played my position to the best of my ability. I am exceptional. They have all learned or will soon learn that it is hard to find another like me. It will always be a settling game for them…and they always come back. But Moe always has the last laugh when the dust settles…

Did You Know…

thinktwicepeople — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 04:49:08 +0000

The brain fully matures when a person turns 23. That would be the reason why I know that I am grown. You see my brain is there, my morals are there and so are my motives. I would love to go on dignify complete idiots with my time but I can’t because I am too busy doing grown shit. You see when that confused childish person exited stage left two weeks ago it was meant to break me but I am not broken. All my shit works better now you see. Where I was weak and in love before I am now strong and could give a fuck less about you or anything you do unless it is affecting my situation. I AM HUNGRY…I have the biggest urge to succeed and my drive is so strong to back that shit up. I have never failed at anything I did before and I have no reason to believe that I ever will in the future because I have intelligence and a common sense that is unmatched by many. I no longer want to associate myself with anyone whose drive doesn’t match or exceed mines…Losers only bring you down. I will not put bullshit into my body because I desire to expel all the bullshit from it. I will no longer let my emotions and feelings allow my to keep people around when I care more about them then they care about me or themselves. Those are unhealthy habits and bad habits are meant to be broken. That would be the reason why I didn’t eat the ‘typical’ Thanksgiving dinner today.

Today I learned that there is a certain type of person that I can’t stand: A person who puts more energy into heaping praise on a person who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire then they do on the betterment and progression of their own lives. PSA: Beyonce doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but herself and maybe her husband but she certainly don’t give a damn about you. Stop dick riding her as if that is going to get you further in life. IT WON’T! I wish black people would care more about their lives and their futures than they do about celebrities who wouldn’t know they existed if you were sitting front and center at one of their concerts. GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE!

One thing about my life is I have experienced many attacks on my body and my personal character…sometimes I was physically attacked because of my mind and how I carried myself. I hate when people get mad and accuse me of thinking I am better than them. I have hardly ever spoken those words in my life…so obviously these people saw me doing me and only me and were intimidated and decided to lash out. FAIL! They still couldn’t stop me…they only make me work harder. YOU CAN’T STOP MY SHINE! The sooner you figure that out the better off we all will be. Many have tried to destroy me but it has NEVER worked. Not the girls who teased in grade school. Not the girl who cut off a patch of my hair in 8th grade. Not the chicks who threatened my life in high school. Not my asshole of a father. Not my bitch of a mother. Not any of the ex-boyfriends who thought they used me up and left nothing behind. I am the strongest person I know because I have faced much adversity and I am the one who stands tall in the end.

If you knew what was best for you, you would get like me or step the fuck off. Buenos Noches.

And it was all good just a week ago…

thinktwicepeople — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:40:22 +0000

Three years ago I met Him. I never imagined then that He would be the one to produce these feelings in me. Back then I had another boyfriend and I never even imagined Him as a romantic interest. Two years ago we became a couple. I trusted him because I thought He was different. I thought He really cared about me. I thought He was funny. I thought He was dependable. I thought wrong. This brings me so much shame. When we were together at first I put my all into Us. I dropped my guard and I let him in all the way. I dropped my guard. Then came the declarations of love. It felt so real. Love is this funny thing. When you really feel you are so wrapped up in that person that you can’t see the forest from the trees. I told him my deepest and darkest secrets. I told him things that only I knew about. I revealed things that affected me deeply. The very things that challenged me the most. I was not good enough for Him. That is what I thought for so long because He dumped me on the phone. I was 22 years old. I was his fool. I spent 10 months of life in semi-misery because I thought He would never come back to me. During that time I thought a lot about the things I would do if I were to ever see him again: I would curse him out for the pain he caused, I would hug him to accept him back and ask him to rid me of the pain. 10 months passed and he came back via a text. And like a fool I accepted him back. But it didn’t end there…I waited 3 months to be his girlfriend again. And then 3 weeks later he dropped me like a bad habit over Skype. YEP I WAS HIS FUCKING CLOWN ASS FOOL (sorry I had to say that for good measure). I want to destroy things like his cell phone and his computer because he clearly utilizes them for the wrong things. I am so furious. Did I mention he pulled this on me a week before my graduation. Oh yeah, that is an important factor. The most critical month of my life he dumps me and I am left with two options : Cry over this loss all day everyday or watch my heart turn cold because I have to push it aside to focus on the 5 papers I have to write in order to pass my classes and graduate. Or I could jump off a bridge and put myself out of my misery. But doing that would make him the winner. The good thing is that I am no longer mad about it. I am still really hurt because every time my tears fall no one is there to catch them. That shit stings because if I had simply told him to fuck off two years ago I wouldn’t feel so much pain. My heart physically hurts. I have had 10 panic attacks in the last 2 days. That is not healthy at all. But that is just my bodies reaction when the person who said he loved me and would be committed to me just dumps me with no warning again. And I did nothing at all to deserve pain of such magnitude. NOTHING! I am trying so hard not to hate men for all of eternity. But it hurts. I thought what we had was the truth. I was wrong. It was a big lie. I was his fool but I wasn’t good enough for him to even be that.

This can’t be life…

thinktwicepeople — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 01:32:10 +0000

For as long as I can remember things have never been right between my parents and between my parents and I. The story behind my conception is twisted, silly, stupid and for the most part unresolved and unclear. This is what happens when two adults can not get their lies straight. She says one thing and he says another thing…the only common denominator is the two friends they both claim to have met one another through. I wish I had been the fly on the wall in that dorm room but alas I was not born yet. In some odd sense of the word I do l-ve both of my parents but I do not like them as people…let me explain.
The earliest memory I have of my father is from when I was 5 (maybe) and it involves me sitting in a window in a pretty dress all day waiting on him to come and he never did. See I made sure my mom dolled me up because I wanted to impress my daddy…I was a young girl and the love I had for him back then was unmatched. I think about that every time I think of him…it defines our relationship. I ALWAYS wanted his affection, attention, approval, unconquered devotion and his l-ve. Then I got older and because of this memory of him neglecting me I never quite respected him enough so I never obeyed him in the way a man expects to be obeyed by his child. I have an internal rule you see: IT ONLY TAKES 1 TIME TO FUCK ME OVER AND WE ARE DONE!
For virtually 11 years I suffered physical, mental and emotional abuse at his hands. To be honest the emotional abuse is the worse. Bruises hell and what you think changes. The emotional abuse lingers on forever…It changes how you view yourself, your life and your worth. Now I am crying…
The abuse culminated when I was 16 years old…I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at my aunts house and I asked my father for a bookbag for school. He said no and when we left and got into his car and argument ensued…I could not understand him denying me something so mundane and absolutely necessary. He shouted, I screamed and then for the first time ever I exploded from the BS and I cursed at him. A block away from my home (where I lived with my mother) he stopped and pulled over the car and we continued arguing. I got fed up with it reached into the back sit for my bag, opened the door and put one foot out and then he took off driving I was hanging from the car so I grabbed his hand for support…he drove right past my house and I begged for him to let me out and he let my hand go and I fell out of the car. I laid in the street, in the dirt and I watched his car pull off…I can still remember every inch he drove further away from me the more my heart broke. I got up and went home and my mother was furious. I was distraught…she called the police they made a police report and left. I went to take a bath and I remember the burning sensation from the huge patch of blood and missing skin on my lower back. The next day we went downtown so she could get a restraining order and they took pictures of my injuries. I wish I had those pictures now…as keepsakes…to never forget the amount of pain a man can bring into a young woman’s life.
After that he called the next Friday and left a message on my voicemail about coming to the premeire of The Barbershop (he had a minor role in the film). I never returned the call and for 2 whole years we never saw or spoke a word to one another. When I turned 18 and went away to school I decided to give our relationship another chance…it went well for the most part. His personality I still did not like much but I ate up the relaxing feeling of being in the presence of the man who represents half of who I am. He decided to not support me financially and I ceased communication again. When I turned 20 I tried it again. And it lasted a while then it stopped again. Then when I was 22 years old he stopped by house on August 20, 2008 to tell me that I was going to have a baby sister….PAUSE…REWIND…When I was 16 (weeks before the big incident) I was with him at his mother’s house (grandmother is an endearing term…she is far from an endearing person) and the doorball rang. He went to the door and came back into the kitchen at the back of the house. Then 1 minute later a little boy came into the kitchen taking cute little baby waddling steps. I just stared at him in amazement for about 5 minutes and then it hit me he looked like a mini version of my father. I asked him who the boy was and he said “This is Yapri and he is my son.” I asked how old the boy was and he said ‘He is two years old.” PAUSE…FACTUAL REWIND (REAL-TIME FAST-FORWARD)…My father had told me that my mother never told him about me until I was 2 years old. FAST-FORWARD…That was my first time seeing Yapri and my last time seeing him for 6 whole years. August 21, 2008 comes around and I get a text waking me up that was the announcement of the birth of Maya Joelle Johnson. I was so excited…I could hardly contain it. I had waited on my baby sister to come into my life for 22 years. (I have 7 brothers, of all kinds and I have a step-sister but she is a butch lesbian…make that 8 brothers.) I tried my best to convince my mom to let me use her car so I can visit my sister in the hospital..I wanted to see her the day she came onto this planet and not a day later. After much encouragement my mother argreed and off I went. Thus began the rockiest year in the relationship I have with my father…this was finally our way to connect on a mature adult level… or so I thought.
In that hospital maternity ward memories were shared, emotions were laid out, and pictures were taken to celebrate the event. Then he showed my a picture of him with his ex-gf Donna that was recent…I should have known then to walk away from him but Maya’s beautiful face convinced to give him chance #18327. PAUSE….REWIND…Donna was my father’s girlfriend from my first memory of him up until I turned 10. I thought they were perfect together. I loved Donna…she was pretty, tall, thin, and had an awesome personality and a damn good sense of humor. My father somehow convinced my mother to let him take me on a trip to Disney World. Ted (my father), Donna and I took off on that plane and only Ted and I came back together. We stayed with Donna’s parents, they lived in Florida. It was on this trip that the two of them broke up for good. I remember the whole thing…we were at a giftshop and he was going through name keychains and bought lots of them…later that night I was awakened out of my sleep to them arguing. She had found his bag of keychains…that had the names of females that he was definitely not related to…he was cheating on Donna. I was heartbroken then because they were the perfect couple…(in my mind a man is at his best when he finds a woman he can love and respect…my daddy taught me that indirectly when I was young and believed he loved Donna and would spend his whole life with her.) Needless to say he snatched me out the bed and yelled at her that we were going to a hotel and then leaving in the morning. Not only was my dream trip destroyed but so was my perfect Black ken and Black barbie couple (I never played with dolls as a little girl, they were my real-life dolls.) BACK TO THE DAY AT HAND…seeing that picture brought back all those old feelings I had of them not being together but along with it came a vital question…why was she back in the picture after soooo long and what happened to the husband I know she had after she left Ted??? Why was he cheating on the woman who just birthed his 3rd child and my first and only baby sister??? How could a man be so cold???
During the first 3 months of Maya’s life everything went smoothly outside of him running around denying her and telling his side-women that Maya was my kid. I was not having it and I let that be known…he said it wouldn’t happened again but it did. You see a cheater is a cheater and they cheat on everyone even their kids…This is what happens when a man has ZERO respect for the female species…I blame it on him and his mother and his father…it was partly their responsibility to instill that in him and somehow they failed at this. We got into an argument about how I pressed charges against him when I was 16 and he said I was wrong and should apologize. I told him it would never happen and we stopped speaking. Along with this he denied me access to my sister…more heartbreak ensued. For the next 6 months or so I saw her 3 times and all three were behind his back with the assistance of Maya’s mother and his girlfriend. Then father’s day came around and I heard Yapri was in town again and I made the choice to call my father and ask if I could spend the day with him and his (my) family…he agreed and it was a pretty good day. For the next 2 months after that…things still went well. I saw Maya a lot…she turned 1 and on her birthday we went out to eat as a family. For the first time I felt like I had a purpose, a place a role to play in this big world. Then he made me angry over something I can’t even remember right now. I made the flaw of putting fuck him on facebook and once again I was denied access to the one true love of my life…I feel like he felt 20 years ago…like the man being denied access to his child. I know she does not belong to me…but I cry inside…I love her with all of my heart and I see myself in her and I am her big sister and I want to show her all of my love and I want to play a part in shaping her life. Now I remember what it was…My mother’s mother hates Ted and she made this clear to me when she told me Maya is not my sister, she is Ted’s other daughter and that is all. I disputed her on this an argument ensued and she cut me off. That hurt me because it made me see the divide that exists in me…I have two parents and two families…I am the Capulets and Montagues in human form. They will not ever get along. When I went to my father crying my tears into a bucket begging for his assistance and love and support because I had chosen him and his side over the side that had honestly taken care of me my whole life unconditional because they said the wrong things…he cast me aside and for that I will NEVER forgive him. And because someone told him I put fuck him on facebook he has cut me off from Maya…and I will never apologize for how HE made ME feel. So I guess I will always feel empty inside without the love of my life…my story is a tragedy but I try to find the comedy in it all…there is nothing funny about any of this though…Ted Johnson has worked most of his life to try and break me and he has finally succeeded…CONGRATULATIONS TED JOHNSON!!!

Now you all know half of my story…I will get to my mother later. In reading this I should never be asked again why I have a semi-skewed view of men that I struggle with every single day of my life.