I have done so many things in the past that I would never allow myself to do today.  I can’t truly say that I regret it too much. It was what I felt was best for me when I was engaged in the dishonest acts. Now that I have grown I do wish that I had the same mindset then that I have now.

5 years wasted out of my life riding the bench for someone else’s man.  Yeah, sure it wasn’t all I was doing. I had a life and boyfriends of my own but it was still wrong. I have built up so many issues centered around distrust and worry because of a situation that never truly benefitted me…not for longer than a few hours out of the month at least. Temporary pleasures are never worth the sacrifices. I am so glad that headed into 25 that I can see that now.

I have to force myself to care sometimes. Sometimes I have to talk myself down off the ledge because I care too much. There is never any in-between emotion with me. Either I Ben Stein shit or am ready to jump out of the Lorena Bobbit box. Well…I would never cut a penis off because they are beautiful things that must remain forever attached to good hip action…but y’all understand…whatever tho. Back to the matter at hand…Constantly living at opposite ends of the spectrum really seems unhealthy to me. No amount of counseling has ever gotten me past these issues. I am still Ben Stein 99.9% of the time. I prefer it this way because shit stays safe for everyone but I get torn apart inside. I want to scream, kick, fight, yell, punch and completely destroy but I can’t. Going to jail is very scary. I am way too pretty for a bitch named Diabla.

I feel grateful for all the people who have passed in out of my life because I learned so much about humans. I am not grateful that these people have taught me to spot the worst in others before I get to appreciate the good in humanity.  I am just so stuck in my little box. I need to work on breaking free.

I have not given my friends as much time as I used to because I am trying to build a relationship. Something that has the potential for greatness. I am not perfect. I am crazy as fuck. I need someone who understands all that. I need someone who will hold my hand when I am feeling all alone in this world. Someone to wipe my tears away when I feel that the world is crumbling all around me. Someone who believes in sacrifice because I know I am worth it. Someone who can throw laughter in when misery is taking over me. I think he can give me all of that and so I act accordingly because at the end of the day I want to dedicate my time with someone who thinks they could spend their life with me. That is the type of shit that truly matters in my life. Nothing else compares…

Sex is amazing. I fucking miss it. Air is great, water revitalizes and that’s cool and all but sex is definitely better.

Last but certainly not least…I really need people to stop thinking that Nas is a good artist. Like for real. Ugh. I also need those who think Nas is good but stay bashing Tupac to just die. This shit has really been bugging me lately. Folks are irrational as hell. If you in any way think Nas is a great artist you will NEVER be shit in life because you worship mediocrity in its clearest form.