Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: August 5, 2010
It is 1 am. I am alone. But that is nothing new.
They come in my life. I invite them into my life. I can barely find the words to say.
(Badly attempted ) Phone sex…late night mistakes.
2 years of the closest I will ever come to a fairy tale romance. Phone and Skype breakups followed by a painful torturous friendship that only proved to be confusing.
Domestic violence because the love was too strong for us to let go.. A crazy type of love. The type of love that isn’t really love at all. More like an obsession. An obsession that will linger on forever…
A 9 year relationship. 2 breakups by 17. An affair with his worst enemy. 2 outside relationships for me. 1 serious relationship for him. The tattoo. 2 kids by 2 different women. Hate. Neglect. Pain. Tears. Too many times I tried to express my fears. I never got the chance.
Hotel invite from a friend. To hang with friends. rape. Shame. Pain. I can’t bring myself to express the conflicts I have with this. I can only make pathetic jokes about it to mask the anguish I really feel. The males everyone else happy. It makes me miserable.
15 and falling in love for the first time. Loss of innocence. False accusations. Irrational and rash decisions.
My father. Too judgmental. Never satisfied. A dream killer. Physical abuse. Lying on the ground watching him drive away from my body. The image will haunt me forever. Verbal abuse. A lack of respect for women in general outside of his mother. WHY?…
… I fear for my sister. I want her to have a life that is full of happiness and joy. Everything that I didn’t have.
And the tears keep rolling down my face…
That is life isn’t it? Wanting everything for your child that you couldn’t have for yourself. Well I have everything going for myself that I am in control of. I have accomplished everything I wanted to for myself at 24. She is everything. She is a small version of me. She is a product of the same man who produced me. Well she isn’t my child but she is the closest thing I think I will ever have to it because of my issues with men…
…They keep rolling, rolling, rolling…
It is 2:30. I am still alone. I am still confused. I don’t know how much longer I can go on living, thinking and feeling this way.
May 13, 2011 at 9:12 am
It is 10 am. I am alone in a room full of relative strangers. But that is nothing new.
I insert myself in their lives. They really get no invite. I always have the words to say.
(Perfectly executed) Phone sex…mid afternoon mistakes.
“2 years of the closest I will ever come to a fairy tale romance.” Face to face and awkward ass breakups followed by a awkward and undefined friendship that only proved to be…necessary (single parents).
Mild domestic violence because the love wasn’t strong enough for us to hold on.. A sane type of love. The type of love that is almost love and feels like a placebo. More like a virus. An virus that will consume me in time…
A 9 year relationship with myself. 3 breakups after 17. An affair with her worst fear. 2 outside relationships for me. Maybe a serious relationship for her. The thought of tattoos. 2 miscarriages by the same woman. “Hate. Neglect. Pain. Tears. Too many times I tried to express my fears. I never got the chance.”
Tried to make a lover my friend. Becoming friends learned she was raped. Enraged. “Pain.” “I can’t bring myself to express the conflicts I have with this.” I can only hold back my pathetic jokes about it to appear sensitive to the subject matter. “That makes everyone else happy. It makes me miserable.”
“15 and falling in love for the first time.” Loss of confidence. “False accusations. Irrational and rash decisions.”
My mother. Too indifferent. Almost satisfied. A dream seller. “Physical abuse.” Driving off recalling how I treated her mind and body. “The image will haunt me forever. Verbal abuse.” Too much respect for women in general outside of [my] mother. “WHY?…”
… I fear for my son. “I want [him] to have a life that is full of happiness and joy. Everything that I didn’t have.”
“And the tears keep rolling down my face…”
“That is life isn’t it? Wanting everything for your child that you couldn’t have for yourself. Well I have everything going for myself that I am in control of. I have accomplished [almost] everything I wanted to for myself at [27]. [He] is everything. [He] is a small version of me.” He is a product of the world that produced me. He is my child and he is the closest thing I think I will ever have to happiness because of my issues with women…
“…They keep rolling, rolling, rolling…”
It is 11:00. “I am still alone. I am still confused. I don’t know how much longer I can go on living, thinking and feeling this way.”