I am simply unhappy. There is nothing you can do about that…unless you own your own business and can give me a job that pays well enough for me to rent a decent apartment by January 1, 2011. I HATE that so many people fed me that stank ass lie that if I went to college I would have a decent life. It has been 8 months since my graduation and I call BULLSHIT! They should have kept it 100…IF I WENT TO HARVARD OR GEORGETOWN then I would have a decent life.

The killer is I am not unhappy all the time. 75% of the time I just breathe with a passive sense of contentment. That works for me because it is the best I can do under the circumstances. But because I am not jumping for joy at the shittyness I am told to cheer up. FUCK THAT ADVICE! The fact that people won’t just accept that I am unhappy because I have nothing going for myself pisses me off.  Why can’t they just give me a hug, tell me to pour my heart out and then wipe my tears away instead of brushing off how I feel? That is what I need. To not always have to cry when no one is around for fear of making their semi-perfect ass lives uncomfortable.

2010 has been the worst year of my life. I lost the love of my life. I got kicked out 3 times by three different people who have all looked me in the face at some point and proclaimed they love me. I have been 30 seconds from suicide numerous times. I lost vision in my left eye. I spent a week in the hospital in which I had 30+ needles stuck in my back with no hand to hold. I may never have my vision go back to normal which limits me for life. Oh and ummm… i was raped. no one I told acknowledges it which makes me feel like I have to fake being Strong Black Woman. Being so strong about that has consumed all of the strength I had left. I have none left to cope with the lack of a job and apartment.

All I want to do is get all of these loser, inconsiderate, selfish ass motherfuckers out of my life forever. I can’t wait for my sister to get old enough so I can stop being bothered with my worthless sperm donor/ex-child support payment giver (to my mother, not me) father. He is the worst person I have ever known and truthfully I hate him. HATE! He has NEVER done anything nice for me that mattered to me. My mother is ready for me to be out of her hair and I can’t blame her. I WISH, HOPE AND PRAY EVERYDAY THAT I COULD FIND A JOB OR DIE. Either one would cause her to celebrate in the streets…I am sure of this. With the parents I have, the relatives I have no choice but to accept and the so-called friends I have  HOW THE FUCK CAN I BE HAPPY? If you have the answer do tell. I regret every nice thing I have ever done for anyone because no one has done SHIT for me. Shit! Shit! SHIT! If I had been the bitch that everyone is to me I may be where they are and they may be where I am.

If you don’t like me pouring out my thoughts and feelings please feel free to go play in traffic during the height of rush hour. Make no mistake, I don’t REALLY give a shit about anyone except Maya Johnson and Nicholas McDaniel. I will cope however the fuck I want to instead of being mean to people like they are mean to me simply because I am not that type of person. I can’t help but keep  folks around even though they could give two shits about me. That is my burden to carry. Make no mistake, I wish I could hate them without worry.  But like I have been told so many times by them all about my impending good fortune…THAT DAY WILL SOON COME! When the shit hits the fan there will be a shit free for all party courtesy of Moe. #ThatMakeSenseToMe Keep an eye out for your invitation in the mail. CTFU because sometimes I have to add a little corny humor to keep from crying over this inconsiderate foolishness.

P.S. I feel better again…no thanks to anyone except my fucking self. Thus proving you can’t depend on others to do shit. I will start telling people to shut the fuck up when they say shit I don’t like because if they think they can make me feel bad then I have to make things fair.