Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: January 16, 2010
I am no angel. I am not even close. I never claimed to be. I never will be. I am Moe. That is all I will ever be. I apologize to all the people I hurt. Some people because I didn’t mean to hurt them. Some people because I know deep down inside that hurting people is wrong. If it helps at all you should know I am crying many, many uncontrollable tears sitting in a kitchen on a Saturday night. There is nothing like karmic payback. I will get what I deserve for all that I have done. I do have somethings I would like to get off my chest…
I am a lot to deal with. I have always said that it takes a strong person to handle me enough to be what I consider a real friend. I have had only a few of them in life. For good reason…I am an asshole…the biggest asshole you may have ever met. I own that. I love myself and I love the life I have had no matter how shitty I feel it has been. A life without pain is not really a life at all. That pain helps me grow. Growth is the best thing that can ever happen to a person. I want to say thank you to anyone reading this who has been a real friend to me. You are appreciated more than you will ever know. One day I will find the strength to show you all how sticking by me was greatly appreciated.
With that said here comes the honesty…My life has not been easy. I didn’t harbor all the bullshit inside and turn it into hate and bitterness…well at least not completely. I am not bitter. However my tolerance for people is real low. For some reason fate has decided to stick some of the most vile, disrespectful and inconsiderate people into my life or I just have a fucked up radar for the people who I choose to allow into my life. Either way they have come and gone and come again and gone again. Shamefully I have allowed for all of it to happen. That is the part I really wish I could take back. The effects of it lives within me. I really have no way of knowing how to reverse the damage. I have learned to live with it…the best way I know how.
I am not arrogant as I have been called many times before. I just have a level of trust for people that is so low it really causes me to lock them out completely or keep my distance until I feel they can be trusted somewhat. I never really give everything to anyone. I don’t tell people my real secrets. I did once and it was thrown in my face and it will never happen again. Mini-PSA: Please do not waste your time trying to tell me to let that go because it will never happen. This means that no one will ever be able to hurt me by using things against me and I like things that way. It makes a life that is already hard enough a lot easier. I need easy…just like I need water and air.
I have a particular disdain and love for the male species. Most of my problems comes in the way I interact and treat them. They have never really done much for me but give me grief of epic proportions. I will never do much for them because of that. If I ever meet a man who proves me wrong then I will change. There should never be any need to bring that up again. I think that is the clearest way I can put that.
As long as you are nice to me then I am nice to you. If you have never done anything to harm me physically, emotionally or mentally then I do believe I have always treated with you the utmost respect. Can’t think of a single incidence where someone was really nice to me and I shitted on them like a dog. However, I recall many a person doing that to me. I am not a forgiving person. I just let shit go. That is clearly not very healthy but that is how I roll. Take it OR leave me alone…forever.
I am one of the nicest people you could ever meet*…as long as you never hurt me. Hurt is something my tolerance went away for a long time ago. I make no apologies for this. I never will. I simply am who I am. I promise the journey is totally worth it.
When I first meet someone I don’t say much. I sit back in silence and observe the situation and the person. I assess them to decide if it is worth it for me to speak to them at all. That is not to be confused with arrogance. I am an observant person by nature and I am very suspicious about people. So many people have let me down. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Although it has not worked very well for me in the past I will stop this because deep down inside I feel things could have been worse but they weren’t. I am alive despite the many attempts people have made to make sure the exact opposite was true.
I absolutely despise someone trying to invalidate my life, my experiences, my thoughts, my opinion or anything else imaginable about me. I only have one mission in life and that is to survive at any cost. I don’t give a damn about anyone else feelings if mine are not right. I may not agree with what you consider small, irrelevant or minute. The same is true the other way around. I don’t shut down other people’s concerns and issues so I never understand why it is done to me. In short that is what has led me here today. Someone decided to call me arrogant and insult everything about me (my looks, the fact that I graduated a month ago and don’t have a job, the fact that I don’t have a car, and much more) for their own shits and giggles** and they seemed to have no clear understanding of why in the FUCK I hate people so much.
My attacks on others is not a result of arrogance it is because people are full of shit. Yeah, I look down on that shit because I am not like that. I try not to keep people around who think it is okay to treat people however the fuck they want to because it is convenient for them and them only. But once you cross me I will cross you. And because it is was them who opened the damn floodgates I feel it is only right that everything gets to roll out into the open. If you insult me I will hurt you in the most terrible way imaginable. I am just creative and vindictive that way…hence me being an asshole. The easiest way to avoid being my next ‘victim’ is to treat people exactly how you want to be treated. Isn’t that the first major lesson we all learned in life? Is it not the most basic principle a person can have??? *** Treat others the way you want to be treated. Not treat people like shit and kick your feet up and watch as they continue to act as if you never did anything wrong. If you treat someone wrong it will come back to you. I believe the law is it will come back to you threefold. There you have it. Expect for the shit you put out to hit you back three times as hard.**** I rest my case.
I think I have covered all the basis. If not, there is always tomorrow.
*I know this totally contradicts me saying I was the biggest asshole ever. They are both equally true depending on how you play your cards.
**Don’t take it personal. I am just telling the truth. Friend.
***I would really like answers to this two questions. Oblige me please? Thanks in advance.
****I am no fool. I know that I am not exempt from this rule.
January 26, 2010 at 10:43 pm
This is an honest, but sad, post. It’s true that sometimes people do horrible, horrible things for each other, but they are also capable of incredible love, generosity, and warmth…I hope that one day some of this good stuff comes back to you, and because you’re so young and full of potential, I feel that it will.