Late Night Thoughts…
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: January 5, 2010
I am crying in silence. I have no one here to catch the tears as the fall. No one to hold me. No one to console me. It makes me feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Because I speak my mind and don’t hold back I am forced to bare it all alone. What happened to the love that was there just 2 weeks ago??? What happened to all the effort, time and emotion that I put into what we had. Why was I abandoned? Why is it okay in this society to do something like this to another human being? If I retaliated to make myself feel better then I would be in the wrong. How is this fair? Why did I play myself and keep going back? Why did I ever drop my guard for you? He clearly was not deserving of it. He abused everything I handed over to him. Everything. I have never been filled with so much silent fury…I swear I think I have written all of these things before. I gave everything and now I have nothing left. The sad thing is he won’t even give it back to me. He won’t give me my heart back. He won’t give it back. There is only so much I can reclaim on my own. He won’t give it back to me. There is nothing worse then a bitch who won’t face you like the man his testicles would lead unsuspecting people to believe he is. There are so many things I want to do or say that I can’t do or say because I am an adult and I am working on my growth more and more each day. I shouldn’t regress into childish behavior.
I AM SO MAD. I hate you. Your mother is a special kinda FAILURE for raising such a shitty piece of nothing like you. Your grandmother is a bitch who got exactly what she deserved. Your dad is the only one with any balls in your family and you hate him for it. Shame on you. Grow a pair. That felt good to say. I know you are reading this. Now that you know my true feelings please drop dead for me. That is the only thing that would bring me joy. Try doing something to make me happy for once. It would be so greatly appreciated.
Black Men…
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: January 4, 2010
As long as I have been alive I have never met a black man who did not disappoint me in the worst way(s) possible. I have tried as hard as I can to love them in spite of the ways they hurt me and yet they do it again and again. I am starting to believe that I am the problem because 1) I invite these losers into my life. 2) There is something in my ways/actions/beliefs/whatever that is allowing these losers to feel like I am the perfect person to work their issues out on so they can go be great for the next chick. Whatever it is I really do not care because I am fed the hell up. I am at the point were after I come off my vacation to America’s Black Mecca (Atlanta) I think I will be very limited in my dealings with Black men. I need to start working on being the most awesome version of me that I can be. Black males stay holding me back. For the time being I have to leave them alone. Physical abuse, Rape, Lies, restricting my access to the only person I sincerely love, Skype breakups, phone breakups, sexist language, assuming I want to be groped, assuming I want to be hollered at, and all types of other injustices have been results of the dealings I have had with these clowns.
Please do not assume I am some bitter Black woman. I am far from that. I never (okay, rarely) let anything bad that happened to me keep me from treating people fairly. I am also not a fool. It is the wise young woman in me that realizes that maybe it is the ones I choose to deal with. However, that doesn’t excuse my father who has been the one to do the most wrongs but I let him in time and time again. That is my nature…always forgiving but lacking in love. That is the new reality for me…I do not think I have the ability to love again. Knowing that makes my head hurt…I used to be in love with love and then he broke up with me on Skype and played me to the left like I was the most worthless human being in all of existence. Nevermind all of that…
Okay I just thought of two Black men who have never disappointed me…well they kinda have but it doesn’t matter much compared to the others transgressions. My big bro D and my grandfather. They deserve the credit. They have done so much good in my mind that it cancels out the one trivial thing that stands out in my mind.
One day I hope I meet a few Black men who raise above the madness I am used to dealing with that comes from that. I hope that day comes before 2010 passes. Once this ‘decade’ officially ends and none of them get it together I will be leaving them behind for good. All except the two who did right that I mentioned. I will be moving out to Italy and I will be starting a new life there. It will be glorious and this I know for sure…
Two Sides of a Coin…
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: December 2, 2009
I am a young woman living in the greatest city in the world so naturally I have had an awesome and wildly varied lifestyle. I have enjoyed being single. I have enjoyed being in a committed relationship. I have enjoyed being the other woman. The real question at hand is which one do I enjoy more than the others. Allow me to explain…
I recently got out of a relationship that I delved back into stupidly because it ran its course well over a year ago. When I first got into that situation it was very fun. We clicked in every way that mattered to me when I decided to be with him. We shared an extremely dark sense of humor, it was easy to be around him and we never got tired of each other. I was so comfortable because he was the fire to my flame and my equal when we were together at first. The problem here is I gave him all I had. I wanted to grow with him. Her wanted to be alone. I was crushed for months. I never want to feel that kind of pain again. It was after he was gone that I discovered I had not even once thought about being with another man. This was very surprising to me because…
When I was with Theo cheating was all I ever did. I was cheating on Theo since the day after our first date. I never gave him the monogamy that he desired so greatly. Every cute guy that passed me by I would do a double take. I was not ashamed at all. I would wink and flirt at guys I was interested in all the time. Problem was I spent all my time with Theo so he bared witness to all of this. He was never pleased. He would always cause a scene in public because of my antics. I used to think he was crazy as hell for this but after I got balls and ditched him I discovered he was justified. He would physically attack me in private because of the way I treated him. I used to make excuses for him because I thought he was justified in choking me out but no I see that he was just an asshole. I was not doing anything to him. All I was doing were things that made me feel good that didn’t put him at risk for anything. He was an insecure boy who couldn’t handle the fact that he wasn’t the only one who could make me happy. Awww growth…
Being single has definitely had its perks. I don’t have to worry about anyone but me. The problem here is that I am human and I am at my sexual peak and I crave sex virtually all the time. I am not promiscuous so I won’t go fuck a virtual stranger. I really have no one to call on to satisfy me and it sucks balls. Moving along…
I have been the other woman. I was the other woman for 4 years on and off with an ex-boyfriend. He had moved on and had a girlfriend whom he was starting a family with. I started messing around with him while she was pregnant. This is clearly not he highlight of my life but…it felt right to me at the time. I was 19 and dumb as fuck. For the first 3 and a half years we kept things fairly innocent. It never delved further than kissing and a little touchy feely. I never felt comfortable letting him in completely because I knew his situation and I knew what we were doing was dead wrong. Then one day it all spun out of control…Sex came into play and it changed the dynamic more than I wanted it to be changed. We decided to take space but that was in vain. When he called I allowed him into my personal space. I was partially bored and partially in awe of the way he made my body feel. He all put a feeling in me that other men never offered. Sad but true…
In all honesty I would have to say that the best experience was being the other woman. With me it did not present the risk of me ending up with my feelings crushed. I knew the situation and I accepted it. When I wanted to be alone I had that option. When I wanted for someone to be in my space once a month I knew he would come right on time. It was a hell of a learning experience. However, I have grown up and my conscience will never allow for me to play that role again. The worst experience was devoting all my time, energy and love into one man only to have him reject me for his own selfish reasons. My common sense will never allow me to be so hopelessly devoted to a man like that again. That kind of pain only needs to be felt once to be understood and disliked thoroughly…
I have learned to enjoy being single and all the opportunities it presents. I get to develop closer bonds with my friends. I am discovering who really cares about me and who doesn’t give a flying fuck. It is an adventure everyday and I could never ask for a bigger blessing at this point in my life. I am no longer bitter because of all the men who have used me during my lifetime. I am no longer mad at them. To be quite truthful I pity them because I am an awesome ass chick. Their lives will not be as good as they could have been with me in it. And I am not tooting my horn…I am only being honest. No one can complain about how I treated them badly. They can only point out my human flaws that don’t relate to them at all. I was a damn good daughter, girlfriend, side chick and friend to them. I always played my position to the best of my ability. I am exceptional. They have all learned or will soon learn that it is hard to find another like me. It will always be a settling game for them…and they always come back. But Moe always has the last laugh when the dust settles…
Did You Know…
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: November 26, 2009
The brain fully matures when a person turns 23. That would be the reason why I know that I am grown. You see my brain is there, my morals are there and so are my motives. I would love to go on dignify complete idiots with my time but I can’t because I am too busy doing grown shit. You see when that confused childish person exited stage left two weeks ago it was meant to break me but I am not broken. All my shit works better now you see. Where I was weak and in love before I am now strong and could give a fuck less about you or anything you do unless it is affecting my situation. I AM HUNGRY…I have the biggest urge to succeed and my drive is so strong to back that shit up. I have never failed at anything I did before and I have no reason to believe that I ever will in the future because I have intelligence and a common sense that is unmatched by many. I no longer want to associate myself with anyone whose drive doesn’t match or exceed mines…Losers only bring you down. I will not put bullshit into my body because I desire to expel all the bullshit from it. I will no longer let my emotions and feelings allow my to keep people around when I care more about them then they care about me or themselves. Those are unhealthy habits and bad habits are meant to be broken. That would be the reason why I didn’t eat the ‘typical’ Thanksgiving dinner today.
Today I learned that there is a certain type of person that I can’t stand: A person who puts more energy into heaping praise on a person who wouldn’t spit on them if they were on fire then they do on the betterment and progression of their own lives. PSA: Beyonce doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but herself and maybe her husband but she certainly don’t give a damn about you. Stop dick riding her as if that is going to get you further in life. IT WON’T! I wish black people would care more about their lives and their futures than they do about celebrities who wouldn’t know they existed if you were sitting front and center at one of their concerts. GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE!
One thing about my life is I have experienced many attacks on my body and my personal character…sometimes I was physically attacked because of my mind and how I carried myself. I hate when people get mad and accuse me of thinking I am better than them. I have hardly ever spoken those words in my life…so obviously these people saw me doing me and only me and were intimidated and decided to lash out. FAIL! They still couldn’t stop me…they only make me work harder. YOU CAN’T STOP MY SHINE! The sooner you figure that out the better off we all will be. Many have tried to destroy me but it has NEVER worked. Not the girls who teased in grade school. Not the girl who cut off a patch of my hair in 8th grade. Not the chicks who threatened my life in high school. Not my asshole of a father. Not my bitch of a mother. Not any of the ex-boyfriends who thought they used me up and left nothing behind. I am the strongest person I know because I have faced much adversity and I am the one who stands tall in the end.
If you knew what was best for you, you would get like me or step the fuck off. Buenos Noches.
And it was all good just a week ago…
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: November 18, 2009
Three years ago I met Him. I never imagined then that He would be the one to produce these feelings in me. Back then I had another boyfriend and I never even imagined Him as a romantic interest. Two years ago we became a couple. I trusted him because I thought He was different. I thought He really cared about me. I thought He was funny. I thought He was dependable. I thought wrong. This brings me so much shame. When we were together at first I put my all into Us. I dropped my guard and I let him in all the way. I dropped my guard. Then came the declarations of love. It felt so real. Love is this funny thing. When you really feel you are so wrapped up in that person that you can’t see the forest from the trees. I told him my deepest and darkest secrets. I told him things that only I knew about. I revealed things that affected me deeply. The very things that challenged me the most. I was not good enough for Him. That is what I thought for so long because He dumped me on the phone. I was 22 years old. I was his fool. I spent 10 months of life in semi-misery because I thought He would never come back to me. During that time I thought a lot about the things I would do if I were to ever see him again: I would curse him out for the pain he caused, I would hug him to accept him back and ask him to rid me of the pain. 10 months passed and he came back via a text. And like a fool I accepted him back. But it didn’t end there…I waited 3 months to be his girlfriend again. And then 3 weeks later he dropped me like a bad habit over Skype. YEP I WAS HIS FUCKING CLOWN ASS FOOL (sorry I had to say that for good measure). I want to destroy things like his cell phone and his computer because he clearly utilizes them for the wrong things. I am so furious. Did I mention he pulled this on me a week before my graduation. Oh yeah, that is an important factor. The most critical month of my life he dumps me and I am left with two options : Cry over this loss all day everyday or watch my heart turn cold because I have to push it aside to focus on the 5 papers I have to write in order to pass my classes and graduate. Or I could jump off a bridge and put myself out of my misery. But doing that would make him the winner. The good thing is that I am no longer mad about it. I am still really hurt because every time my tears fall no one is there to catch them. That shit stings because if I had simply told him to fuck off two years ago I wouldn’t feel so much pain. My heart physically hurts. I have had 10 panic attacks in the last 2 days. That is not healthy at all. But that is just my bodies reaction when the person who said he loved me and would be committed to me just dumps me with no warning again. And I did nothing at all to deserve pain of such magnitude. NOTHING! I am trying so hard not to hate men for all of eternity. But it hurts. I thought what we had was the truth. I was wrong. It was a big lie. I was his fool but I wasn’t good enough for him to even be that. 
This can’t be life…
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: September 29, 2009
For as long as I can remember things have never been right between my parents and between my parents and I. The story behind my conception is twisted, silly, stupid and for the most part unresolved and unclear. This is what happens when two adults can not get their lies straight. She says one thing and he says another thing…the only common denominator is the two friends they both claim to have met one another through. I wish I had been the fly on the wall in that dorm room but alas I was not born yet. In some odd sense of the word I do l-ve both of my parents but I do not like them as people…let me explain.
The earliest memory I have of my father is from when I was 5 (maybe) and it involves me sitting in a window in a pretty dress all day waiting on him to come and he never did. See I made sure my mom dolled me up because I wanted to impress my daddy…I was a young girl and the love I had for him back then was unmatched. I think about that every time I think of him…it defines our relationship. I ALWAYS wanted his affection, attention, approval, unconquered devotion and his l-ve. Then I got older and because of this memory of him neglecting me I never quite respected him enough so I never obeyed him in the way a man expects to be obeyed by his child. I have an internal rule you see: IT ONLY TAKES 1 TIME TO FUCK ME OVER AND WE ARE DONE!
For virtually 11 years I suffered physical, mental and emotional abuse at his hands. To be honest the emotional abuse is the worse. Bruises hell and what you think changes. The emotional abuse lingers on forever…It changes how you view yourself, your life and your worth. Now I am crying…
The abuse culminated when I was 16 years old…I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at my aunts house and I asked my father for a bookbag for school. He said no and when we left and got into his car and argument ensued…I could not understand him denying me something so mundane and absolutely necessary. He shouted, I screamed and then for the first time ever I exploded from the BS and I cursed at him. A block away from my home (where I lived with my mother) he stopped and pulled over the car and we continued arguing. I got fed up with it reached into the back sit for my bag, opened the door and put one foot out and then he took off driving I was hanging from the car so I grabbed his hand for support…he drove right past my house and I begged for him to let me out and he let my hand go and I fell out of the car. I laid in the street, in the dirt and I watched his car pull off…I can still remember every inch he drove further away from me the more my heart broke. I got up and went home and my mother was furious. I was distraught…she called the police they made a police report and left. I went to take a bath and I remember the burning sensation from the huge patch of blood and missing skin on my lower back. The next day we went downtown so she could get a restraining order and they took pictures of my injuries. I wish I had those pictures now…as keepsakes…to never forget the amount of pain a man can bring into a young woman’s life.
After that he called the next Friday and left a message on my voicemail about coming to the premeire of The Barbershop (he had a minor role in the film). I never returned the call and for 2 whole years we never saw or spoke a word to one another. When I turned 18 and went away to school I decided to give our relationship another chance…it went well for the most part. His personality I still did not like much but I ate up the relaxing feeling of being in the presence of the man who represents half of who I am. He decided to not support me financially and I ceased communication again. When I turned 20 I tried it again. And it lasted a while then it stopped again. Then when I was 22 years old he stopped by house on August 20, 2008 to tell me that I was going to have a baby sister….PAUSE…REWIND…When I was 16 (weeks before the big incident) I was with him at his mother’s house (grandmother is an endearing term…she is far from an endearing person) and the doorball rang. He went to the door and came back into the kitchen at the back of the house. Then 1 minute later a little boy came into the kitchen taking cute little baby waddling steps. I just stared at him in amazement for about 5 minutes and then it hit me he looked like a mini version of my father. I asked him who the boy was and he said “This is Yapri and he is my son.” I asked how old the boy was and he said ‘He is two years old.” PAUSE…FACTUAL REWIND (REAL-TIME FAST-FORWARD)…My father had told me that my mother never told him about me until I was 2 years old. FAST-FORWARD…That was my first time seeing Yapri and my last time seeing him for 6 whole years. August 21, 2008 comes around and I get a text waking me up that was the announcement of the birth of Maya Joelle Johnson. I was so excited…I could hardly contain it. I had waited on my baby sister to come into my life for 22 years. (I have 7 brothers, of all kinds and I have a step-sister but she is a butch lesbian…make that 8 brothers.) I tried my best to convince my mom to let me use her car so I can visit my sister in the hospital..I wanted to see her the day she came onto this planet and not a day later. After much encouragement my mother argreed and off I went. Thus began the rockiest year in the relationship I have with my father…this was finally our way to connect on a mature adult level… or so I thought.
In that hospital maternity ward memories were shared, emotions were laid out, and pictures were taken to celebrate the event. Then he showed my a picture of him with his ex-gf Donna that was recent…I should have known then to walk away from him but Maya’s beautiful face convinced to give him chance #18327. PAUSE….REWIND…Donna was my father’s girlfriend from my first memory of him up until I turned 10. I thought they were perfect together. I loved Donna…she was pretty, tall, thin, and had an awesome personality and a damn good sense of humor. My father somehow convinced my mother to let him take me on a trip to Disney World. Ted (my father), Donna and I took off on that plane and only Ted and I came back together. We stayed with Donna’s parents, they lived in Florida. It was on this trip that the two of them broke up for good. I remember the whole thing…we were at a giftshop and he was going through name keychains and bought lots of them…later that night I was awakened out of my sleep to them arguing. She had found his bag of keychains…that had the names of females that he was definitely not related to…he was cheating on Donna. I was heartbroken then because they were the perfect couple…(in my mind a man is at his best when he finds a woman he can love and respect…my daddy taught me that indirectly when I was young and believed he loved Donna and would spend his whole life with her.) Needless to say he snatched me out the bed and yelled at her that we were going to a hotel and then leaving in the morning. Not only was my dream trip destroyed but so was my perfect Black ken and Black barbie couple (I never played with dolls as a little girl, they were my real-life dolls.) BACK TO THE DAY AT HAND…seeing that picture brought back all those old feelings I had of them not being together but along with it came a vital question…why was she back in the picture after soooo long and what happened to the husband I know she had after she left Ted??? Why was he cheating on the woman who just birthed his 3rd child and my first and only baby sister??? How could a man be so cold???
During the first 3 months of Maya’s life everything went smoothly outside of him running around denying her and telling his side-women that Maya was my kid. I was not having it and I let that be known…he said it wouldn’t happened again but it did. You see a cheater is a cheater and they cheat on everyone even their kids…This is what happens when a man has ZERO respect for the female species…I blame it on him and his mother and his father…it was partly their responsibility to instill that in him and somehow they failed at this. We got into an argument about how I pressed charges against him when I was 16 and he said I was wrong and should apologize. I told him it would never happen and we stopped speaking. Along with this he denied me access to my sister…more heartbreak ensued. For the next 6 months or so I saw her 3 times and all three were behind his back with the assistance of Maya’s mother and his girlfriend. Then father’s day came around and I heard Yapri was in town again and I made the choice to call my father and ask if I could spend the day with him and his (my) family…he agreed and it was a pretty good day. For the next 2 months after that…things still went well. I saw Maya a lot…she turned 1 and on her birthday we went out to eat as a family. For the first time I felt like I had a purpose, a place a role to play in this big world. Then he made me angry over something I can’t even remember right now. I made the flaw of putting fuck him on facebook and once again I was denied access to the one true love of my life…I feel like he felt 20 years ago…like the man being denied access to his child. I know she does not belong to me…but I cry inside…I love her with all of my heart and I see myself in her and I am her big sister and I want to show her all of my love and I want to play a part in shaping her life. Now I remember what it was…My mother’s mother hates Ted and she made this clear to me when she told me Maya is not my sister, she is Ted’s other daughter and that is all. I disputed her on this an argument ensued and she cut me off. That hurt me because it made me see the divide that exists in me…I have two parents and two families…I am the Capulets and Montagues in human form. They will not ever get along. When I went to my father crying my tears into a bucket begging for his assistance and love and support because I had chosen him and his side over the side that had honestly taken care of me my whole life unconditional because they said the wrong things…he cast me aside and for that I will NEVER forgive him. And because someone told him I put fuck him on facebook he has cut me off from Maya…and I will never apologize for how HE made ME feel. So I guess I will always feel empty inside without the love of my life…my story is a tragedy but I try to find the comedy in it all…there is nothing funny about any of this though…Ted Johnson has worked most of his life to try and break me and he has finally succeeded…CONGRATULATIONS TED JOHNSON!!!
Now you all know half of my story…I will get to my mother later. In reading this I should never be asked again why I have a semi-skewed view of men that I struggle with every single day of my life.
…Like I never left
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: September 28, 2009
- In: People| Relationships
- 1 Comment
Today in my Woman’s Autobiography class we got into a discussion of memory and how much of what you remember is a valid memory of yours and which memories have we created. I want to make this clear so no one thinks I make up fictional shit for fun and kicks. In reading an autobiography of a person’s life from beginning to end one has to question the validity of it all because in all honesty a person does not actually remember the things they experienced as a young child. It got me into thinking a lot and I had a very interesting discussion with my friend Christine. To be honest this convo almost brought me to tears. It was semi-odd…
I thought of a memory I have of myself as a baby. My mom’s friend had a son that was my age and we were on the floor playing and I began beating him over the head with a rattle or something of that nature. Now because I was a baby at the time it is not an ACTUAL memory so much as a mini-story that I have created in my mind. To be honest it comes from a picture of the event…a snapshot capturing a single moment in time that I have seen over and over again throughout the years…
I also have a memory of sitting on the floor with my grandmother and mother while I played in my mother’s hair…I was about 3 or 4 in that picture…but it is one hell of a memory I made up in my mind. Or the picture/memory of me in red dressy outfit from when I was 5…now that I actually remember…I can recall the texture, seeing it in the closest all the time and all the times my mother took it out to put it on me for special occasions only…but there is a picture of that also.
I can honestly say that I remember most things validly about life from the time I turned 5 onwards…
I can admit that some of the pictures my grandmother has of me before that age are all vividly created memories in my mind that I love that I have been able to create. It makes me appreciate childhood and life sooooo much more. However, it makes me crave to have that person back.
The way I see life is there is Moe Rucker pre-2000 and Post-2000…aka the break between grammar school and high school. When I was at Dixon elementary I got picked on a lot because I was the new kid. I remember this one time that Rebecca, Michelle and some other bitch picked me up by 3 of my 4 limbs and swing me around like a rag doll. I cried so hard that day…so hard I thought I wouldn’t have any more tears to cry for the rest of my life. But there is a break there…because I do not see myself as that girl anymore… kinda hard to believe it was actually me in fact. Pre-2000 I was meek, quiet, non-confrontational and easily a pushover. But I graduated and I transformed. I vowed to myself that when high school started there would be none of that anymore. Now more picking on Moe…’Hell No She Won’t Go’ was a slogan for this transformation if you will. I had my brothers take me outside and teach me how to defend myself. When I started high school I had problems as usual. I contribute this to my quiet demeanor…chicks thinking they could easily test me…I was kinda cute but awkward and mysterious (IMO…lol). I had big tits, thick thighs, long hair and light-skin….the average young teenage boys dream at the time. So people’s girlfriends gave me a hard time when I all I ever was was the guys platonic friend. But like I said I wasn’t having that shit so confrontation ensued often…
I remember one girl in particular, her name was Dasheka, she was Aaron girlfriend and then they broke up and he became my boyfriend. There was no plot…I never thought it would happen…he was hella cute and I seriously thought he was way out of my league but the girls (wink, wink) get all the attention and into my life he came. She started running around claiming she was pregnant…PSH! I didn’t care because that was between the two of them IMO. Then my friend (from the very first day of school) DeAnthony made her his girl…and she was all in my grill about me saying that I thought he could do better. I believe honesty is a must so I kept it real…I did not deny saying it when she stepped in my face with her two friends threatening my life. I admitted to saying it and she went off like I expected but I stood firm until she was done and then I walked away to the bus stop. She did not let it die there…she followed me and got in my face so I smacked the shit out of her…and then she walked off like I expected. And in saying all that I feel so hard in my chest right now like I was that bitch for doing that but I remember being in the moment back then and I was scared for my life but my inner voice was egging me on like smack that bitch…she ain’t gon’ do shit and if she does you take that ass whooping like a soldier and retaliate later. I was a mess to say the least…but from then on you couldn’t tell me shit! Step to me and I will do my best to wipe your ass out…FOREVER! She transferred from the school a few weeks later…good riddance…no one liked her ass anyway…she always had a frown on her face. How in the hell are you always upset when you are pulling the baddest dudes at the school with your regular looking ass??? Any who…
That incident among many others are things I would like to forget because having that mentality means that I was not the best person I could have been…hood rat shit is not always the best shit! But they are all a part of my life experiences and good or bad they have shaped the WOMAN I am today…and for that I will forever be grateful because I love the hell out of myself
Do you have any memories that you have created from what family members have told you about yourself or old photos??? Do you notice the breaks between who you used to be and who you are now? I know I am not the only one so fess up people… 
Right back at it…
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: September 28, 2009
I have been back in school for a month now and it has been quite the journey for me so far. I am one month deep into my very last semester as a undergrad. I am very excited about this and deathly nervous at the same time. These next 2 months represent my last chance to cling to young adulthood before I am thrust out into the ‘real world’. I have made new friends, I have taken some friendship to a new level, I have lost some friends and one of my closest friends has become a ghost…Seriously Katie McDermott I need you to contact me sweetie I am so worried about you.
I was having some internal conflict about this ‘relationship’ that was beginning with my ex-bf. I was not clear what was going on and where it was headed. I freaked out with friends and then I talked to him…we put a semi-BS title on it to hold me over…A girl has to be thankful for the small things I suppose. Oh naivety…that is what loving too hard gets me I suppose.
I have begun getting way to heavily immersed in twitter and neglecting facebook…for this I am not sorry. I will be thankful that I gave up on myspace a very long time ago. Like I said…gotta be thankful for the small things.
I had moved into a new place this month (September 2009) with some girls I really did not know very well. I made one new friend in Caitlin B. I made 2 permanent life enemies in Danielle and Victoria. I will be moving out in a few days. I will try this independent living thing again early next year after graduation…right now I honestly do not have the time for it anymore. One thing about me is I don’t like females who act typical at all…cattiness is not in my repertoire…especially in relation to grown ass women. We have got to do each other better ladies. Whatever…
I think that concludes my brief summary of what has been going on since I left…More posts will be coming soon…hopefully one every day from now on…later my 10 faithful readers. MUAH!
BULLSHIT!!!
Posted by: thinktwicepeople on: July 28, 2009
I have been MIA for a long while. To be honest I was clueless at how to come back to this blog that was created at a positive point in life. So I will start here…I wrote this blog post on October 11, 2008 and decided I should not publish it for fear of looking crazy but the truth was I felt crazy back then and now I feel marvelous. Today I will publish it in it’s entirety and then talk about how I feel at this point in life 9 months later. Here goes nothing:
So right now I am sitting in my room all alone. My roommate went out to party. My best friend can’t talk to me because he went out to enjoy himself tonight. I peeped my ex’s AIM status and he is also out enjoying his life. I am in tears. I hate my life but what can I do about it? Who do I go out with? The answer is no one. I am such a silly person. I put my life in his hands hoping he would always be around to hold me up and three weeks ago I was let go and to this day I am still falling. I feel awful that I have no one to be here to support me. No one really knows how much I am suffering and I still feel like death would be a better place to be in then living in this current state of misery and depression. I have tried to tell HIM that but he has blown me off. SO now what do I do. Today was another day that I suffered through the REALization that HE really does not want me in his life anymore. I don’t have any friends that I can hang with that reside in this city. SO I HAVE NO ONE TO SUPPORT ME. HE DOES NOT CARE. But for 7 months he insisted on making me believe that HE LOVED ME. WHERE IS ALL THAT LOVE? I wish I had cheated on him because maybe now I would have had someone there to catch me when I was/am falling. I try so hard to “throw” myself into my work but it is so fucking hard to do. I LOVED THAT MAN and I WAS ABANDONED. I want to go back and never know him, but then I would not know him and I would have missed out on all those great moments. I don’t and won’t take back the lie because that was a result of the fucked up state of mind I was in at the time, I can’t help that. To take that back would mean going too far back into the past and taking back shit that was out of my control in the first place. So, I would take back ever telling him the truth. That was what fucked it all up. He never truly understood me and my life and all the shit I have suffered through. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in my very own “TRUMAN SHOW”. My life is the shit NIGHTMARES are made of. That is how hard it is for me. I need someone to hold me but I have no one. He is probably out now NOT THINKING ABOUT ME. So why can’t I get him off my mind. I hate myself. I hate all the fucked up cards I was dealt in life. Why do I appear to be so strong in public but behind closed doors I am crumbling into pieces? And eventually he will read this and he will know how much power he has over me. Him and all the other people who have come in and out of my life and made it worse after their GRAND EXIT. I just want to live out one full day HAPPY because it is a feeling that has completely eluded me every since the day I fell from that car when I was 16 and that was 6 YEARS AGO. No amount of counseling will help me work through my problems because I need to know that there is someone in the world who will LOVE me through the/my pain and make me feel like I will never be left alone again because EVERYONE ABANDONS ME. I am truly trying to get shit right but nothing works for me. At the core I feel like I must be SATAN because there is no other reason I deserve to be in this place time and time again. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? And now I am just devoid of pleasant feelings because they all were snatched away when I was left cold on the bathroom floor September 21. They day/date will forever be emblazoned in my mind: The day the person I dedicated my life to during my most trying times, blew out my flame. Yes I want and need the current life I am (not) LIVING to END FOREVER. And tonight is the perfect night to make that happen. Tomorrow is a new day people, Goodnight.
I wish I could be in this place:
Today on July 29, 2009…24 days after my 23rd birthday I am feeling so alive. I still have some feelings for Larry but he shut me down so hard 3 weeks ago it is difficult to feel that I should love him wholeheartedly ever again. Matter of fact, I will not do that because it won’t be fair to me. I don’t want to be the Krav Maga girl to his Ted Mosby. The past two days spent with him reconnecting were amazing and they entire relationship has reached it’s peak and at that peak it shall stay. I have to thank the friends I have made at Roosevelt University for digging me out of the hole I was stuck in. I have met so many new people. I have so many new conquests. I have many options for men that could play a part in my life temporarily or forever and I want…no I need to see where these interests go. I am a young single flirty passionate girl living in the big city and the world is my oyster. I can not shut my operation to hop back into couple ville with someone who abused my affections before. …I visited that town many times and I want to go back with someone new. I am so happy that I have found myself to this point because hell 2 weeks ago I would not been able to state these feelings so clearly. As we laid in each others arms last night and spoke of the love we still have I realized that I owed him the truth and the truth I did deliver. I felt good saying it because the old me would have been to scared to admit I never want to be his girlfriend again because I am an awesome girl and he had me and let me go and now he can never have me again. I may give you parts of me but all of me can never be possessed by the same man twice….ONCE IS ENOUGH! It was nice to be assertive, passionate, realistic and romantic all at one time. I can not wait to see where this journey goes…no matter what I am forever grateful that we have reconnected. I would love to have Larry be a part of my life forever because he will forever be my first true love and because of the way he tossed me aside so cold-heartedly he will probably be the one and only true love I ever experienced.
oh and right now this is where I am in my life:
