Moe’s Adventures

For as long as I can remember things have never been right between my parents and between my parents and I. The story behind my conception is twisted, silly, stupid and for the most part unresolved and unclear. This is what happens when two adults can not get their lies straight. She says one thing and he says another thing…the only common denominator is the two friends they both claim to have met one another through. I wish I had been the fly on the wall in that dorm room but alas I was not born yet. In some odd sense of the word I do l-ve both of my parents but I do not like them as people…let me explain.
The earliest memory I have of my father is from when I was 5 (maybe) and it involves me sitting in a window in a pretty dress all day waiting on him to come and he never did. See I made sure my mom dolled me up because I wanted to impress my daddy…I was a young girl and the love I had for him back then was unmatched. I think about that every time I think of him…it defines our relationship. I ALWAYS wanted his affection, attention, approval, unconquered devotion and his l-ve. Then I got older and because of this memory of him neglecting me I never quite respected him enough so I never obeyed him in the way a man expects to be obeyed by his child. I have an internal rule you see: IT ONLY TAKES 1 TIME TO FUCK ME OVER AND WE ARE DONE!
For virtually 11 years I suffered physical, mental and emotional abuse at his hands. To be honest the emotional abuse is the worse. Bruises hell and what you think changes. The emotional abuse lingers on forever…It changes how you view yourself, your life and your worth. Now I am crying…
The abuse culminated when I was 16 years old…I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at my aunts house and I asked my father for a bookbag for school. He said no and when we left and got into his car and argument ensued…I could not understand him denying me something so mundane and absolutely necessary. He shouted, I screamed and then for the first time ever I exploded from the BS and I cursed at him. A block away from my home (where I lived with my mother) he stopped and pulled over the car and we continued arguing. I got fed up with it reached into the back sit for my bag, opened the door and put one foot out and then he took off driving I was hanging from the car so I grabbed his hand for support…he drove right past my house and I begged for him to let me out and he let my hand go and I fell out of the car. I laid in the street, in the dirt and I watched his car pull off…I can still remember every inch he drove further away from me the more my heart broke. I got up and went home and my mother was furious. I was distraught…she called the police they made a police report and left. I went to take a bath and I remember the burning sensation from the huge patch of blood and missing skin on my lower back. The next day we went downtown so she could get a restraining order and they took pictures of my injuries. I wish I had those pictures now…as keepsakes…to never forget the amount of pain a man can bring into a young woman’s life.
After that he called the next Friday and left a message on my voicemail about coming to the premeire of The Barbershop (he had a minor role in the film). I never returned the call and for 2 whole years we never saw or spoke a word to one another. When I turned 18 and went away to school I decided to give our relationship another chance…it went well for the most part. His personality I still did not like much but I ate up the relaxing feeling of being in the presence of the man who represents half of who I am. He decided to not support me financially and I ceased communication again. When I turned 20 I tried it again. And it lasted a while then it stopped again. Then when I was 22 years old he stopped by house on August 20, 2008 to tell me that I was going to have a baby sister….PAUSE…REWIND…When I was 16 (weeks before the big incident) I was with him at his mother’s house (grandmother is an endearing term…she is far from an endearing person) and the doorball rang. He went to the door and came back into the kitchen at the back of the house. Then 1 minute later a little boy came into the kitchen taking cute little baby waddling steps. I just stared at him in amazement for about 5 minutes and then it hit me he looked like a mini version of my father. I asked him who the boy was and he said “This is Yapri and he is my son.” I asked how old the boy was and he said ‘He is two years old.” PAUSE…FACTUAL REWIND (REAL-TIME FAST-FORWARD)…My father had told me that my mother never told him about me until I was 2 years old. FAST-FORWARD…That was my first time seeing Yapri and my last time seeing him for 6 whole years. August 21, 2008 comes around and I get a text waking me up that was the announcement of the birth of Maya Joelle Johnson. I was so excited…I could hardly contain it. I had waited on my baby sister to come into my life for 22 years. (I have 7 brothers, of all kinds and I have a step-sister but she is a butch lesbian…make that 8 brothers.) I tried my best to convince my mom to let me use her car so I can visit my sister in the hospital..I wanted to see her the day she came onto this planet and not a day later. After much encouragement my mother argreed and off I went. Thus began the rockiest year in the relationship I have with my father…this was finally our way to connect on a mature adult level… or so I thought.
In that hospital maternity ward memories were shared, emotions were laid out, and pictures were taken to celebrate the event. Then he showed my a picture of him with his ex-gf Donna that was recent…I should have known then to walk away from him but Maya’s beautiful face convinced to give him chance #18327. PAUSE….REWIND…Donna was my father’s girlfriend from my first memory of him up until I turned 10. I thought they were perfect together. I loved Donna…she was pretty, tall, thin, and had an awesome personality and a damn good sense of humor. My father somehow convinced my mother to let him take me on a trip to Disney World. Ted (my father), Donna and I took off on that plane and only Ted and I came back together. We stayed with Donna’s parents, they lived in Florida. It was on this trip that the two of them broke up for good. I remember the whole thing…we were at a giftshop and he was going through name keychains and bought lots of them…later that night I was awakened out of my sleep to them arguing. She had found his bag of keychains…that had the names of females that he was definitely not related to…he was cheating on Donna. I was heartbroken then because they were the perfect couple…(in my mind a man is at his best when he finds a woman he can love and respect…my daddy taught me that indirectly when I was young and believed he loved Donna and would spend his whole life with her.) Needless to say he snatched me out the bed and yelled at her that we were going to a hotel and then leaving in the morning. Not only was my dream trip destroyed but so was my perfect Black ken and Black barbie couple (I never played with dolls as a little girl, they were my real-life dolls.) BACK TO THE DAY AT HAND…seeing that picture brought back all those old feelings I had of them not being together but along with it came a vital question…why was she back in the picture after soooo long and what happened to the husband I know she had after she left Ted??? Why was he cheating on the woman who just birthed his 3rd child and my first and only baby sister??? How could a man be so cold???
During the first 3 months of Maya’s life everything went smoothly outside of him running around denying her and telling his side-women that Maya was my kid. I was not having it and I let that be known…he said it wouldn’t happened again but it did. You see a cheater is a cheater and they cheat on everyone even their kids…This is what happens when a man has ZERO respect for the female species…I blame it on him and his mother and his father…it was partly their responsibility to instill that in him and somehow they failed at this. We got into an argument about how I pressed charges against him when I was 16 and he said I was wrong and should apologize. I told him it would never happen and we stopped speaking. Along with this he denied me access to my sister…more heartbreak ensued. For the next 6 months or so I saw her 3 times and all three were behind his back with the assistance of Maya’s mother and his girlfriend. Then father’s day came around and I heard Yapri was in town again and I made the choice to call my father and ask if I could spend the day with him and his (my) family…he agreed and it was a pretty good day. For the next 2 months after that…things still went well. I saw Maya a lot…she turned 1 and on her birthday we went out to eat as a family. For the first time I felt like I had a purpose, a place a role to play in this big world. Then he made me angry over something I can’t even remember right now. I made the flaw of putting fuck him on facebook and once again I was denied access to the one true love of my life…I feel like he felt 20 years ago…like the man being denied access to his child. I know she does not belong to me…but I cry inside…I love her with all of my heart and I see myself in her and I am her big sister and I want to show her all of my love and I want to play a part in shaping her life. Now I remember what it was…My mother’s mother hates Ted and she made this clear to me when she told me Maya is not my sister, she is Ted’s other daughter and that is all. I disputed her on this an argument ensued and she cut me off. That hurt me because it made me see the divide that exists in me…I have two parents and two families…I am the Capulets and Montagues in human form. They will not ever get along. When I went to my father crying my tears into a bucket begging for his assistance and love and support because I had chosen him and his side over the side that had honestly taken care of me my whole life unconditional because they said the wrong things…he cast me aside and for that I will NEVER forgive him. And because someone told him I put fuck him on facebook he has cut me off from Maya…and I will never apologize for how HE made ME feel. So I guess I will always feel empty inside without the love of my life…my story is a tragedy but I try to find the comedy in it all…there is nothing funny about any of this though…Ted Johnson has worked most of his life to try and break me and he has finally succeeded…CONGRATULATIONS TED JOHNSON!!!

Now you all know half of my story…I will get to my mother later. In reading this I should never be asked again why I have a semi-skewed view of men that I struggle with every single day of my life.